Perception

This is a light on the ceiling at my gym. The ceiling is white. The room is bright.
Believe it, or not.

Butters.

Beware, this is where the naughty kids sit.

They make you sit in this room for an hour or so if you don't do your work. Beware.

Butters.

I'm ashamed to be human.

 
Why? No, really, why? I cannot get my head around this.

Butters.

I grew up to escape Jenga, not to play the next level.

 
There's so much to do yet so little time and I'm neither utilising the time I have nor doing the things I need to. As a high-achiever at heart it's hard for me to sit by and watch myself waste my life like this especially when the one thing I am putting my resources into isn't satisfied. I've sacrificed and given more than plenty and have put so much at risk for it and now that I need a couple of weeks to catch-up on reality, focus and pull my head above the water (once again), having only the bare minimum of support from that thing doesn't help, and the fact that the little support I am getting is only existent on the surface just adds to my misery. It's a bit unfair to make some of these accusations as that thing has it's own problems to deal with but at the end of the day they're the unfortunate actualities of this life.

There's a war on both ends of the battlefield.

Butters.

Success on the frontline requires stability at home. There is no hope without it.

It Isn't Living Without You Gurrrl (Gerald the Hamster)

- Where I want to be right now.

Once again I've reached the point where I am no longer fully aware of myself. It's a scary feeling being on auto-pilot: words spill out of your mouth without the slightest conscious thought and your body becomes such an alien construct that the ability to flap around your arms is somewhat terrifying. This has happened plenty of times before and I know that I only have myself to blame for losing touch with reality but that doesn't change the fact that I'm shit scared. A few of my friends played witness to a bit of a breakdown on my behalf just before my Maths exam but couldn't relate at all. All they could manage was a few confused and uncomfortable expressions. I long to be with someone who can understand these woes of mine or at least pay them respect.

That person is you.

Butters.

(You know who I'm talking about... :) *shakes head in contentment* )

[image source]

Oh Gosh.

Don't Hold Your Breath

Because you aint getting them back :)

I never thought I'd say this but I'm fucked for my Maths exam tomorrow. Fucked. English went pretty well today, though. Religion? Not so well. However, I think I managed to pass it because the teacher gave us answers.

Butters.

Things are looking up (don't hate me but I fell asleep during the new Potter movie... hehe)

Quick update here.

Things are starting to improve around here. The fights with my mother are becoming further and few apart, people have stopped harassing me over my hair and I'm done with Psychology. Although, there still is the matter of the rest of my exams and managing to see Bee-Wookie a bit more while still finding time to do other stuff. We'll see how it all goes.

Anywhoo, gotta run. I'm tired as balls.

Butters :)

Bare with me, I say 'say' a few times.

Thank God things worked out alright (for now) and that I didn't have to have give my principal this. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not saying I wouldn't have gone through with it and that I think it was a bad idea (quite the opposite actually), rather, I'm expressing my relief that there isn't going to be too much commotion in my life for the time being. How something as simple as hair could cause this much of a fuss, I don't know. All I can say is that I stand by my decisions, I have no regrets and I'm glad things worked out the way they did. That's not to say I'm not going to stop looking for a new school. In fact, I'm going to look even harder now.

Butters

PS I have a problem with commas, okay?

They're retaliating. Also, it tastes better with seared. (I'm becoming one angry teenager.)

I have a feeling that the moths are catching on. The combination of a hole in some fly wire and moth season led to an influx of moths and mozzies coming into the bathroom. Before I got the chance to do anything about it I must have killed at least 20 of those flying critters. Now, just a few minutes ago while I was sitting in my room a moth came in and (no shit) fully attacked me. It went all out at me, unleashing the big guns from the start in an uncontrollable fit of rage. I think that'll teach me no to mess with them in the future.

In other news:

• We left sport early today to go to Maccas to celebrate a great year of... sport. I got a Chicken Deluxe and Caramel milkshake for the first time ever and shouted some people while I was at it.
•  Mickey Dees just realised a few new food items. These include 'McBites' (think popcorn chicken - Maccas style), upgrades to a caramel milkshake for $1 when you buy any Medium/Large meal and a few new burgers.
• My mother and I had a massive fight over my hair again. At the end of it I told her to make an appointment so she wouldn't kill herself and while she went to the hairdressers (they weren't answering their phone) I smashed the coffee table. It was the most hilarious and epic thing. Trust me. Basically, I stared at it for a while thinking about how it would feel, weighed up the consequences, stared for a bit longer and then tried to kick it in. The first time it just bent in a bit (it's made of glass) and hurt my foot a bit. The second kick only just managed to pop the glass out of place. I decided I'd bring in the big guns and grabbed my lacrosse stick. In what can only be described as an epic explosion of glass I destroyed the panel with one swift blow. As the bottom of my shaft made contact, the glass shattered and flew all over the room. I was left standing there, satisfied and embracing the 'crackling' ambience of it all. (Shattered glass makes crackling noises long after you break it. Weird, huh?)

I'm telling you people, these forced haircuts will only make me angry. Feel the consequences. Rawr.
(I've never actually broken anything before. I can't begin to describe how awesome it was.)
Watching it take place would have been pretty awkward though because I was really calm and collected about it. A lot of concentration went into breaking it.

This is what I eat when I work. It tastes better with seared.
(Not pictured, Crispy Chicken Snack Wrap with Sweet Chilli Sauce, the choc fudge mixed into my McFlurry and a mini blueberry cheesecake (because it was in my stomach).

Sunday mornings - "Mass For You At Home"
(err... get fucked?)


It's a love heart.

IFHTP,
Butters.

8. More. Days.

The fact that I am less than two weeks away from finishing this school year had yet to set in. Most of my opportunities for this year have come and past, leaving me with a mixture of accomplishment, satisfaction and regret. Recently I haven't given too much thought to what I could've done and could've better, but here, alone with my thoughts on a tram filled with random people (apart from some St.Michael's girl that I *swear* I know from somewhere), I can't help but wonder how things would have turned out if I'd done things differently. Something that my friends wrote (well I ended up typing, re-arranging, correcting and re-wording) for the final mass comes to mind now; "In order to move forward we must first gain momentum". Dwelling on regret won't bring any new opportunities so I'm going to suck it up and look ahead; whilst always moving forward.


(I swear this kid is me when I was younger. Taken from my Psych textbook in case you're wondering)
I cant begin to express how much of a relief it is to be finished with Psychology because I'm not so sure how I feel. Things start to lose meaning when you're not sufficiently mentally present. However, I think I'm still suffering a bit of exam anxiety even though I did it on Friday. For some reason still feels like I have a Psychology exam tomorrow. Weird, I know. I must admit though, I do feel a slight warmth and a sense of satisfaction every time I see my Psych books and know that I'll never have to use them again!

Butters

Because I don't respond to spanking anymore

Why does everyone believe that plain punishment will fix everything. There is a point in a person's life when it's not the answer. Every problem has its roots and if you can nip it right there in the butt then that will most likely bring you far closer to resolving whatever issues there are, right there and then. Example: My principal and my mother both agree that punishing me for being late to school will be a pretty surefire fix despite my lateness being completely attributed to a lack of stimulation and an overwhelming sense of boredom. At the end of the day, with these things ruining my school experience, whatever punctuality I gain will come at the cost of something else. I can feel it happening already. Full school weeks aren't seeming to agree with me and as a result I'm about *this* close from popping someone in the face. (Brooke, pop quiz: "What movie was I thinking of when I wrote my last sentence"). But yeah, in all seriousness, I'm on the verge of going postal and murdering everyone within a 1km radius.

Another thing that's really getting to me is how people are telling me that moving schools is not an option. I'm sorry, but it is. With the state of the school as it is, the direction the new principal's taking it and the fact that I have ~2 actual friends there makes moving a pretty reasonable option. The only benefit of being at my school is that it's convenient. I could really do with a fresh start so don't harass me over my reasoning.

The world lost its last chance with me when it gave me this.

I mean seriously. What. The. Fuck. Obviously if you want a Cheeseburger and not a McDouble you're gonna buy a McDouble minus one patty. Thanks for giving me no meat both times.

Fuckers.
Butters.

Bit of an MIT moment here

(Yes that *is* a firetruck.)
I usually don't remember why I want to go to MIT so much, but whenever I see MIT pop up somewhere or when I watch Ironman I remember instantly. I don't want to over-analyse my reasons for wanting to go there as I want to leave a bit of mystery in my mind but I can assure you I've given it a lot of thought. Don't try getting me to explain it to you because a) I won't have a good list of reasons for you off the top of my head and b) I'll probably just spit out nonsensical word-vomit.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MIT_hacks

Apparently McHappy day wasn't as happy as it could have been with my 'restaurant' being relatively dead for most of the day. My guess is that word got around that I wasn't working that day and so no one bothered to come. I do make a pretty mean Big Mac (not really, they're pretty average).


I was under the impression that all McDonalds were open 24/7 but it turns out that's not the case. It was 11pm on McHappy day and I hadn't yet ventured down to Maccas for a McHappy Day Mac Attack so my dear mother kindly volunteered to take me. We arrived at East Malvern McDonalds only to find it CLOSED which left us no option but to head all the way to my work. The best part was when I went to work this morning and worked with the same people who served me last night!

I can't do this anymore / Don't try this at home kiddos.

How easy would it be to just pick up all your books during class and walk out the door, throwing a quick "Sorry Sir, I can't do this anymore", at the teacher as you pass his desk? For some reason, I've been tempted to try that all day. Just imagine what would happen if you did; sure there would be consequences but those few seconds/minutes of freedom before they arrive would be pure bliss. Perhaps that's exactly what I'm missing right now - unhindered, undirected freedom without the slightest worry in the world. I'd put my money on that brief moment completely changing my perception of the world.

I'm not sure if I know who I am anymore. Recently, it has come to my attention that I've been neglectful towards everyone around me. Is it that I'm horrible with maintaining relationships or is it because I take them for granted? The answer is most likely a mixture of both but the main point is that I've got to change that; I'm losing everything; I'm watching it all fall apart before me.
I'm scared that it may be too late.

But I can't help it that I want to blindfold myself. I'm quite simply trying to save myself from the pain of this world using the only tool at my disposal: ignorance. Both my school and my mom expect me to go through a year of degrading, monotonous labour and they're being quite blunt about it. The worst part is, it's not up for discussion. If only someone would realise that my time is being wasted and perhaps give me a break - it only makes sense to after all their talk about 'making the most of your life'.


Someone once told me that when someone has a problem girls will try and impress their opinions and try give a solution while guys will just nod, 'hmm' and be supportive. Being gay could totally work for me (minus the penis party. awks.).

So, I'm sitting here with an ultimatum - get kicked out of school and have 'cool' hair or get it cut and lose the one thing I'll have if I lost everything. Okay it's not as simple as that but essentially that's my choice.

I got it cut yesterday so it's super short now and I have it in a comb-over with the fringe tucked way back. It's's so far back that it blends in with my bangs (well out of my face). In fact, the exact same look could be achieved if my hairdresser had cut more of my fringe and left more of my bang. That would have pleased my principal but in reality it would break more (unless I pile gallons of product in there). So, basically, my current cut is the most sensible!

Gah, that doesn't really explain what I want to get across at all but I'm too tired to actually try and break it down for you.

I don't see why I can't just change schools... I hate it here. I have like no friends. I have a reputation. Some people really don't like me.

Fuck this,
Butters.

PS Maybe if I cut myself that would inject a bit of seriousness into my argument...


Oh and I toast got my new camera today!
Here it is :) :) :)


(It's sitting in the corner of the Systems Tech room because my Dad dropped it off at school for me :D )
It's gonna be real hard saving it for my birthday.

Fingers crossed, I love you baby.

Brooke hates Tumblr. Don't tell her but I can't see why. (hehe)


In other news, I've put it upon myself to get my web skills going over the Summer, starting with the creation of an online hub for everything Butters. It'll feature three main sections: a blog, a photo blog and a main page that shows previous of the previously mentioned items as well as an RSS feed from all my social networking accounts (Facebook, Twitter etc.). I intend to write it all myself, have it hosted on my own registered domain and power it with a Wordpress CMS. Wish me luck.


So, you might have read my previous post's title and gathered from it that Brooke isn't feeling too flash. She wasn't and isn't. For most of the week she hasn't been feeling too well but I noticed that things were starting to get a little worse Saturday night (as in she was coughing more than usual). Today she was even more unwell, but it wasn't until she started throwing up that I started to worry. She's been at the hospital since 8pm (it's now 12:52) and it was only 53 minutes ago that she made her Facebook status "hanging out at emergency with some whore of a needle in my arm". So, I'm thinking she might in the hopital overnight and that worries me. Brooke, if you've hacked into the hospital wi-fi with a stolen laptop and are reading this, please call me. I'm worried.

But uh, I should have slept an hour and a half ago.

Butters.

PS Yes, that's an egg. Some kid from my school tried to egg me but luckily for me it didn't break. Soon after, some bitch told us to get off her nature strip claiming it to be hers. Fuck off, it's council property.

PSS. Brooke just called me :)

Brooke is sick. Fully.

 
I miss The Benchwamers (2006)

Let's keep this brief.

I fought with my mom last night.
I had plans to and fully intended to revise for my Psychology SAC and Science test.
However, because I was pissed with her I stayed up till 3:30 ish on the phone to Brooke.

Anywhoo, when I woke up in the morning I was like wtf is this noise and discovered that my beloved mother had placed a new alarm in my room. Quickly, I turned it off and hopped back into bed. Before I knew it I was dreaming again.

This dream was a special dream. It was a full rendition of a typical morning for me, up until I left the house. Basically, what happened is I thought I was getting ready for school when really I was just sleeping. The best part of it all is how the dream happened in real-time. I woke up at 8:40 which I would have been ready to roll anyway! Luckily, my Psychology SAC was at 9:50. However, that didn''t stop me from completely bombing out on it. Killed my Science test though.

Gotta get up for work in 5 hours and I'm fucked. Brooke, I'm coming over to yours to catch up on some sleep. That means no funny business. I'm sure Rachel agrees.

Butters.

(I love how she actually accepted my excuse without more than a single, light-hearted, curious question) 

I want to bathe in the filth of your floor-drobe / my pants look awkward.

She's not feeling to well today so I thought I might take out the time to tell her I love her. As you can see, she doesn't love me. (notice how she is hiding behind her picnic wug)


One of the cool things about iOS 4 is that the camera now has digital zoom. Ha.


For years I've walked past a fruit shop that sells mini ice cream cones. After much of my whining, we bought some.


Vegetarian sandwiches without the vegetables. Beautiful.
Suck on that bgbn. (my fly is halfway down for your benefit)

Until I finish this English assignment,
Butters.

P.S. It's dirty but I love it.

Can we be friends?

Someone posted

"im really sorry about what i did to you, i was a bitch."

on my formspring.

• I really want to know who that person was.
• I want that person to know that they're forgiven, it was probably partly my fault and that I wouldn't mind catching up with them.

:\

Wanna grab coffee?

1:26:11 AM - SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK. (Your actions have serious consequences.)

My beloved winter may have passed but I'm still playing lacrosse regularly. It's a pretty casual affair, meaning my involvement isn't as serious as I'd like it to be (with Aussie U19s coming up I'll need as much practice as I can get), but hey, it's something.

Anyone who's willing to step in front of a lacrosse goal is a mad-man (no shit. you've got to be bat-shit crazy to want to do something like that), but today I grew a sack of man-junk and stepped up to the task of manning the cage. I think I decided to jump in because I was slightly bored, but whatever boredom I was suffering soon went over my head as I began to get lit up like the tree outside Hunter Geophysics HQ. Bad idea. Very bad.

In other news, this is my post in forever. I'm sorry to all the kids who've been desperately mashing F5 since September 8th, it has indeed been a while which is why I'm coming back with a bang. It's my way of thanking you for coming back here after decades of inactivity.

So, I was thinking, what better way to come back to the blogging scene/my blogging den than open with a brand new theme! That's right ladies and he-males, I'm going to be complementing all/most of my posts with iPhone photos that will give you a never before experienced insight into the life of Butters. Exciting, I know. But why? Well, I've been dying to start a photography blog for quite a while but I've been without a camera. However, I do own an iPhone and until I get my camera (next month for my birthday) I might just keep you updated with some happy snaps that rather concisely sum up my life.



Don't you just hate it when two vehicles are involved in a head-on collision on a tram line and you're inconvenienced because of it? How inconsiderate.

All jokes aside, I think everyone was okay. Well, perhaps not the lady with a limp who'd been waiting an hour for the tram. At my recommendation, she ended up walking to the next main road in order to get home. Poor lady.

Anywhoo, homeworkies time.
Love Butters.

I'm actually getting my camera next week but I think I might keep it boxed until my birthday just so I can, you know, unwrap it and stuff.